A Letter To Anyone I've Ever Hurt

Dear You,

Which is it?  Did I leave or did I give up?  Did I yell or did I cry?  Did you end up packing up the way I felt and throwing it across your shoulder as you walked out the door?  

Because here is what I remember:

I don't know who hurt who.

Call me a victim, a mortar (not the pestle) and hope that I understand.  But I don't because from experience, I am the one that hurts. 

I used to think that people came into your life to bless you.  Now I am not so sure.  Because the people in my life that I thought Fate had flown in and delivered Himself, turned out to be the ones that held the code to entire chapters of my pain.  And try as I might, they are rather long excerpts.

I love and trust too easily.  I wish I was like him, who could just turn it on and off like a tap.  He doesn't feel the same?  Turn the light out and feel nothing. 

And I have all these thoughts I can't control either.  Like maybe there was something I should have read you, because all I can do is write when you leave me.  

What am I doing?

I thought I was writing this letter to apologize. 

So, let me do just that.  

I am so sorry. 

I am a flawed human.  I shouldn't have hurt you like I did, even if you deserved it.  Because in my darkest moments, you are my own personal demon disguised as my closest friend.  And I loved you.  And I hated you.  So, I threw things up in the air to try and watch them blow away.  I cried the whole time.  

I shouldn't have said what I did.  And I shouldn't have done what I said.  But here it is, all laid out like a fucking map:

If I hurt you, it was because I loved you too much. 

Gentry