Static Waves

I picture myself on the sidelines. 

People pass, but no one tells me what piece fell apart first.

And here you are, although you glance around.
The lines around your mouth say more than you could.  

It seems that I've stared at your face too long,
I didn't know what to look for when you stopped caring.  

And of course it isn't easy to love you,
to watch you walk away with your eyes. 

But it was my decision to watch you fall out of love with me.  

So, keep posting your poetic tribute to the girl with silver hair.
She seems to be what you wanted, even though I thought I was.

  I almost dyed my hair silver.

But I can't be another delay in the evolutionary process called 'love'. 

Because even though I said I wanted you to be happy with someone else,
I really wanted you to be miserable with me. 

I wanted you to be with me.

Petrichords

Just sleep.

Maybe the pain will be gone in the morning. And maybe you'll be ok without him for 12 more hours until you sleep again.  

You see, I'd rather struggle being on my own, then find someone quickly who could never make me feel the way that you did.  

It wasn't all black and white.  You made me feel gray like the clouds in the night sky.  Beautiful, but heavy.  Ready to release the tears.  Ready to rain my pain upon the world.  If it goes down a drain, is it gone forever?  

Are you gone forever?  

It rains a lot these days.  

For God's sake---SLEEP.  

Just A Little Longer

I guess I don't know how to hold on.
The ledge is slick, like the rain would fall just to watch me do the same.
And God knew it too.
See, let me tell you the truth: I don't want to feel like this.
Like there are so many things that drown me, gasping for air becomes normal.
Like there are rivers in my eyes that flow at the slightest drop of walls.
Like constant battles leading to internal bleeding.  I guess I wasn't stitched up as well as I thought I was.
And who is going to care if I don't?
You see, being sad is like catching a cold.  If others are around you, they feel it in the air.
So they choose the simple solution:
They don't come around anymore.

And an article said that depression comes from too much sadness and not enough coping mechanisms.  Nowhere to run from the never ending waves of pain that come but never recede.  There is no moon that could pull this tide away.
And over what?
When I was in a more suicidal time in my life, someone said, "You'd kill yourself over a boy?  That's pathetic."
But that wasn't the reason.  And there is hardly anything said now-a-days that can't be traced to a deeper meaning.  What I meant when I told this person how I was feeling was, "How come I love to the very marrow of my bone and no one (this boy was a particular figure at the moment) ever seems to feel the same?"
I feel the same now.
And I thought that we only felt new things once, but it hits even harder the second time around.
You see, this is what gets me:
I will love anyone that lets me completely and utterly.  Unconditionally.
And every time, despite knowing that it is rare, I expect the same.
I expect the same.
I expect the same.
Not different.
The Same.
Maybe if I weren't such a fool, then I would save myself from feeling like this.
So I am sorry if you don't want to be around me anymore.  If my lack of faith in this world or in God is dragging down your set feature titled 'happiness' in life.  But.
Sometimes the water rushes over my head.

A Letter To Anyone I've Ever Hurt

Dear You,

Which is it?  Did I leave or did I give up?  Did I yell or did I cry?  Did you end up packing up the way I felt and throwing it across your shoulder as you walked out the door?  

Because here is what I remember:

I don't know who hurt who.

Call me a victim, a mortar (not the pestle) and hope that I understand.  But I don't because from experience, I am the one that hurts. 

I used to think that people came into your life to bless you.  Now I am not so sure.  Because the people in my life that I thought Fate had flown in and delivered Himself, turned out to be the ones that held the code to entire chapters of my pain.  And try as I might, they are rather long excerpts.

I love and trust too easily.  I wish I was like him, who could just turn it on and off like a tap.  He doesn't feel the same?  Turn the light out and feel nothing. 

And I have all these thoughts I can't control either.  Like maybe there was something I should have read you, because all I can do is write when you leave me.  

What am I doing?

I thought I was writing this letter to apologize. 

So, let me do just that.  

I am so sorry. 

I am a flawed human.  I shouldn't have hurt you like I did, even if you deserved it.  Because in my darkest moments, you are my own personal demon disguised as my closest friend.  And I loved you.  And I hated you.  So, I threw things up in the air to try and watch them blow away.  I cried the whole time.  

I shouldn't have said what I did.  And I shouldn't have done what I said.  But here it is, all laid out like a fucking map:

If I hurt you, it was because I loved you too much. 

Gentry  

    

Are You Leaving Too?

I could tell you a million things.

I could tell you I am sad and that I don't know what I am doing sitting in a blindingly bright hallway, crisscrossed legs with a laptop balancing and all these thoughts in my head and tears in my eyes that I can't seem to shake.

I'd tell you that maybe me heart does have a hole in it, because why else would it hurt so much?

Is there a surgeon to fix this type of loneliness? 

If you asked me for a reason, I would tell you that I have one, I just am unsure of what it is.  And maybe there isn't a reason, but wouldn't it be easier if there was?

I could tell you that my life just got harder but not because of any physical reason that you could see, but just because I felt like the weight I slept with on my shoulders was making me far too sore to blink.  

And I'd tell you that maybe I'd had enough, at least for a little while. 

I talked to him, thinking that there were maybe breaks to be had, in between all the pain and the heartbreak that I'd felt.  That maybe there were times when steady things were happening, even if only for a few days, but he said he'd never seen such a thing.  There is always pain, no matter the routine and no matter the amount of college credits you thought would make you and your parents happy.  

There is always pain.  

There is always pain.

And my expectations don't line up with my reality.  

I don't wake up in the morning feeling the same, I wake up feeling much differently.  Can anyone ever wake up the same way, with the same aspect on how your life isn't like a fairy-tale, but instead a nightmare?  Vice-versa? 

I woke up this morning feeling like maybe it wouldn't snow.

But it did.

I woke up thinking that maybe today would be different, finally.  That after all the things that I piled on, only from the thoughts of my past, haunting me as I slept, that the reality of my current situation wouldn't seem so bad.  But it is.  Because I am not who I wanted to be.  I wanted to be this beautiful girl with fantastic dreams and she would accomplish them.  This girl that denied there was darkness creeping around every corner and feeling that the weight on her shoulders was something to be brushed off.  

But I am not. 

And I cannot.

If you asked me for a reason, I would say, "It's snowing."  

If you told me you loved me, this very second, I wouldn't believe you.  Lies are told best in the dark of night.  

And I feel this soul crushing loneliness, but who have I to tell?

~Fin~

I looked at the clock and the seconds ticked away.

I lost him every minute of the day.

And all it took was a glance to tell I'm not okay.  

I'm not.

And I'd be okay if the sun didn't rise anyway.

You see, I thought that I was mighty but the truth is: I'm scared. 

If You Love A Boy Like Mine

In an hours conversation, he will say the following:

"You can only end terrorism if you preach love." 

"Tell some white lies, but don't live a lie."

"Trying to be someone else is like a dog trying to meow.  I just want to bark, what the hell?" 

"The world is here and I'm here with the world."

"They live by a code of law that someone else put together."  

"Don't feel guilty for leaving it because it's beautiful." 

"I don't take religion so seriously, but I do take being a kind person very seriously." 

"You're selling yourself short."

"Just be a genuine human being."

You see, I thought it impossible to fall in love with the same person twice, but I was wrong.  It's possible and not only that, but I love him more this time around.